# Part 4: From feeling depressed to feeling manic
The first weeks in the Netherlands my boyfriend and I were welcomed with open arms by two friends, who gave us a place to sleep, eat, laugh, recover and make up our minds about the next steps to take. This was an extremely happy place to be in a situation like this. But apart from that I felt deprived of everything. My dream journey was gone. I couldn’t use my foot without pain killers or crutches. I had no income, so I even did not feel independent. Oh, and don’t forget I could not get to my personal stuff. Everything we own is stored in storage boxes that are packed in such a way that we can’t reach any of it without the help of two big muscled professional movers. (I love them. They helped us find some of our winter clothes on a moment we didn't have anything to wear but the summer clothes we packed.)
There were days I did not know why I should come out of bed. I was mad at and disappointed in my body. I was not able to go very far from the house. I read a book, watched Netflix, and went to bed again. I couldn’t do what I love most: go outside to walk around and take pictures. I wanted to cry, but did not know how to start crying. I wanted to be strong, but had no energy to be strong.
A GIF I made of three pictures I took during several visits to the hospital. Hospitals can be daunting places, and as you can't assume people are able to read the signs or are even emotionally able to grasp where they are or where they need to go these coloured stripes on the floor help people get from place A t0 place B. I've followed many of these stripes, for example from doctors' office to MRI scanner.
But here I am, in the middle of the night, 01:40 AM. I couldn’t sleep the past few nights. I had some pain the last few nights, which didn’t help. But more importantly: my head was spinning. My head was spinning with things I want to do.
- A dear friend of mine gave me lots of inspiration and tools to create stuff with my hands. I can do these things from the couch or kitchen table.
- I made my first cold brew coffee, which made me realise how much fun it is to experiment in the kitchen. I even as an impulse registered a name for my own coffee brand, even though this might be a temporary craze.
- I bought a new special lens that makes it possible to get creative with photography close to home, so the pain in my foot doesn’t prevent me that much from doing what I love.
- I’ve subscribed as a volunteer to a service that makes sure immigrants can learn Dutch with a language coach. I want to make sure people fleeing to the Netherlands feel welcome.
- I have big plans for the professional collective I’ve helped build from the ground up.
- I’m printing pictures, going through my photo archive, updating my website. I have plans to create art from photographs and paint.
Guess I’m bouncing back from a depressed state to a bit of manic phase. I’m sure I’ll find the middle ground soon.
Part 5: Let’s publish this blog
I started writing this blog weeks ago. It’s been a hard one to write, since I don’t find it easy to share my struggles, let alone on this weblog that was supposed to be filled exclusively with awesome travel stories. Plus, every day I feel different, which means if I would finish this blog tomorrow instead of today it would probably have a different ending.
So, how do I feel? Sad, disappointed, frustrated, in short: all of the above. But also: energised by new ideas, grateful for friendships, inspired and creative, and relieved that I’ve finished one of the hardest (oh, and longest!) blog posts I ever wrote.
This is the last part of a 5 part story. Here you can read part 1, part 2, and part 3. They have been written around two years ago, the end of 2015. I felt like sharing them since I am planning to write about my current dealings with lessened mobility, health, life and coping strategies / solutions. I will have these stories to refer to while writing about my current life. If you have questions: feel free to ask!
All pictures on steemit.com/@soyrosa are created and edited by me, Rosanne Dubbeld, 2001-2018. Contact me if you want to discuss licensing or collaborations on creative projects :-)
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